My Lightbulb Moment

I've had this issue with BDSM romance for a while now and I haven't been able to nail it down to something specific. One of my best-read reviews ever was for a BDSM romance that I feel like I really tore into and I've had a really hard time understanding why it bothered me so much. Not just bothered in the sense that I didn't believe in the romance even though I really liked the writing, but also bothered me that so many other people didn't see things that way so maybe I'm just missing something. As I follow more people on twitter, somehow I've ended up interacting with a lot of authors that write BDSM-style erotica. Some for a long time and some as part of this new trend. I honestly read very few of the books just because there's something about them that really does bother me.

Then yesterday I was reading The Hostage Bargain by Annika Martin. It's an absorbing, fun, fantasy book with three guys and a girl as a gang of bank robbers. I'm not quite all the way through it yet so I don't know how it ends. So far I've been enjoying it but when they start throwing in the BDSM, I feel a little uncomfortable. Thinking about it all night finally flicked the light switch for me I think.

Here's the thing, there's a couple issues that really make me feel uncomfortable. First, there's never anyone (in the limited number of books I've read) that says the safe word. They never talk about hard limits. They never cross the line and then have to actually communicate to keep a relationship going. This puts me in the mindset of those earlier romance novels where the sex scenes are angry and rapey. The heroine doesn't actually give her consent to anything but “she would have put up a fight if she didn't actually want it” and then later they're all totally in love. The heroine comes to expect that she can't actually talk to the hero or express her own desires. As long as she's willing to receive whatever the hero gives, it's all good. And she just loves him so much that it doesn't really matter if he waits for a “yes” or not.

In these BDSM books, they never run into an issue were one of the characters truly doesn't like what's happening. Even when the book sort-of implies they don't like it, they don't say the safe word because they don't want to miss out on what might happen next. What kind of relationship do you make with someone where if you were to say “stop, I don't like this”, they just walk away and say we can't actually have a relationship. That seems so abusive and manipulative and full of patriarchal influence. “As long as you let me do whatever I want, I'll be with you. But if you say no to anything, we're done. Even though we've just met, you can totally trust me to cause you pain but make sure it's 'worth it in the end' because I'm just a stand up sort of guy.” I've had enough experience with abusive and manipulative people that I just cringe as I read some of this.

I want to scream at the heroine “just say the safe word! Make a relationship where everyone knows that you can say No if you want to!” I'm not saying that everyone has to like or not like the same things. But I do want to see people stand up for themselves. I'd like to see romance tackle the hard stuff like having a conversation beforehand about what hard limits they have. Or stopping because someone said no, then talking it out and keep going with the new boundaries. I'd like to see conversations of “I don't want to do this now, but maybe I'd be willing to try some other day”. I'd like to see the dominant character hear a “no”/safe word and graciously accept it without implying the relationship is over.

Trust goes both ways in a relationship and it feels like a lot of the BDSM-style romance asks the submissive character to put all trust in the dominant without actually receiving any trust in return. “You can be with me, as long as you don't question me. The minute you do, we're done.” I have such a hard time believing in a love story where they haven't actually talked it out or where either character gets away with never having to accept a no and/or compromise.

Now I'm not saying that the vague consent, patriarchal, or rapey feel is the intention that any of these authors are going for. There's some compelling element of imagination/fantasy to these stories that I can understand, but I have trouble believing the romance. But these are my own issues and I own them for what they are. We've all had our own experiences and obviously mine come through in the way I look at things when I read. But it still makes me feel uncomfortable and very careful about which books I pick up.

So, what do you think? Do you think there's a correlation between the earlier romances with rapey elements and today's prevalence of BDSM romance? Do you have any recommendations for books that actually address some of these issues and/or communicate without simply saying “trust me”? Is there some other way I could look at these issues? Do you think people are reading these for the nonconsensual/rape fantasy theme anyway vs. believing the love story itself?