Failure and Need

So, you know I did this hard thing. Running...and running...and running. I obviously got through it. After a lot of sleeping and a while of taking it easy, my body feels like it's mostly recovered. I've got a couple weak spots that feel like they need some babying still, but I think I'll be ok. I better be - I have a timed mile to run tomorrow and then a 10K to run on Saturday.

But this run has given me so much to think about. My biggest frustration with my own running was the last two miles. It was only a 5+ mile run. I should have been able to do it. I ran my six miles at high altitude with less problem than I expected, felt great for my 3+ miles, but then that last one... I felt like my body couldn't keep going.

What does that really mean? I walked some of those last two miles. I feel so small when I say that. I should have been able to run it. Everyone else in my van was running 10 minute miles or less the whole time and I'm sitting there at over 11 minute miles and I still had to walk.

For the last half mile, one of my teammates found me and ran the last bit with me... after she had already run 16+ miles. Talk about feeling small.

But the thing is, I can choose to focus on that small feeling, or I can choose the other one. The one that says I just ran three times as far as I normally run, on no sleep, and I still made it. I'm whole. I was a part of something amazing and I didn't have to do it all by myself.

We convince ourselves that it's not worth anything if we didn't meet all these standards: running at least <this> fast, feeling energized afterwards, doing it by ourselves. But none of that matters. The truth is: we were out there, we did it, it was exhausting. All of that is ok.

I had to unpack that same feeling when I had both of my boys. Giving birth at home, with no drugs. I had this idea that I would be all Superwoman about it and push my kids out and it would all be awesome. But it wasn't. It was hard, it was work, I whined, I pushed for ages before the midwife helped me figure out how.

I felt like a failure. Holding my child, thinking I should have been able to do this thing on my own. It took so long for me to see that it's ok to need other people. It's ok to claim victory over something, even if other people helped you.

I gave birth to two children and I'm awesome, but I didn't do it alone. I ran over 14 miles of the relay and had a great time. I'm awesome, and I wouldn't have made it without my teammates.

So, what are you awesome for today?