I had a writing challenged issued to me by a friend on Twitter: write 500 words in some sort of fandom. It took us ages to settle on a fandom and a prompt, but it was finally decided. The color blue, frustration, and Sherlock Holmes.
I wrote a scene over the course of two days and posted it to a fanfic site, but I also wanted to post a link here. The problem is, it's an explicit scene and I don't want my blog tagged with all the adult content warnings.
So, I posted the scene on my Tumblr as well (which is already tagged for adult content) and I'll just link below. If you think you'd be interested in what I've written, please check it out.
Saturday, August 30, 2014
Monday, August 18, 2014
Getting My Intensity On
I can be pretty intense. Yes, it's true. Coming from a background where people are required to share everything, we're all best friends, anything not shared must have malicious intent; it's hard not to be intense. I grew up believing that being late was a moral failing, forgetting someone's name was like spitting on your best friend, not answering your phone was akin to hating someone, not responding to an email was considered an act of hostility.
Some of these lessons are good to learn - how to be on time, how to pay attention and focus, how to be considerate of others. All wonderful traits to work on. But when they become a life and death, heaven or hell doctrines, you start running into problems.
Take for example, getting married. Being around someone who's not used to that intensity can be peculiar. It's one of those things that's nice for a little while when you're dating but then it starts to wear you out. And here's the thing: when you're taught that all that intensity is supposed to be channeled into making your partner happy, not only can it be overwhelming for them, but eventually it wears on you because your partner has no clue how to match that intensity. But they might be perfectly happy receiving a whole lot of it.
That's how my sexual relationships started. So much intensity from me, but partners who had no clue how to give back. And for a long time I didn't let that problem bother me. It's all good, I thought, I'm supposed to be giving anyway. But years go by and it starts to wear on you.
Then eventually you have kids and you're tired and that intensity has to be spread between more people. There's more of them and still only one of you. You're left on crumbling ground and your partner still hasn't figured it out. They're almost resentful that you're not focused on them, even if they used to dodge the intensity all the time. They liked having the choice of accepting or rejecting whenever they wanted and not having to DO anything. But now you're both faced with a dilemma: you're not willing to go back and they have no idea how to go forward.
You sign up for counseling. You spend a lot of time working on your boundaries and finding autonomy without as much intensity. You work on small talk without having to make a deep connection with everyone you meet. You try not to scare people. But here's the thing: you've always defined love with this big nebulous ball of intensity inside you. And if you're not being all intense, you can't really tell if you feel love. It's so romance novel cliched, but it's true. You can keep going just fine, but your brain is missing out on that feeling: that flying adrenaline from knowing everyone within an inch of their life.
You feel like some part of you is hidden away. You're afraid to even open the box because you're not sure if you can control it. So you don't say much, in case you say the wrong thing. People think you're really quiet and shy. And you are, but not simply for the reasons they assume. You're scared to get rejected and end up without a place again.
I went and did this giant run in May, on a team no less. And I came home feeling like I was flying. I had a taste of that intensity again and my brain turned on. It's not even like I really visited with people much or had some deep connection. I just "fit" for a little while. It was heady. I haven't felt like that in years.
But there's always a crash afterwards, right? And there was. A couple days later, I could barely make small talk with people. It all felt so futile. Like I really didn't fit in at all. Some of these people were the same ones I was in a van with and I realized once again that I don't truly fit in with them. I couldn't make all the pieces fit.
I kept pushing myself and I got through the crash. But that swing made me think, maybe I need to start opening that box again. Maybe I need to try and control it, but let out some part of who I used to be. I've had quite a number of years placing internal timers and reminders around myself: normal people get there 5 minutes late, normal people don't write 5 page emails to others on a daily basis, normal people don't sustain eye contact all the time and don't remember every detail someone told them.
Do you understand? That means I had to learn to tune people out so they didn't think I was too intense. I set my internal clock to force myself to leave 5 minutes later than normal. I pretend I don't remember things. I look at the day I got an email and specifically don't reply right away. I remind myself to pull out my phone when I'm around others so it looks like I'm not as invested.
I feel like I'm doing better. It's getting more natural. But it also feels very dull. There's not much space left for your heart when you're so used to processing everything analytically and deliberately. But it's scary to open up. It's scary to feel like you might get used or rejected. Then again, it's also depressing to stay in this static rational state. And let's be realistic, I can't sustain the same intensity even if I wanted to, with two kids and other responsibilities, so then I worry that people are going to think I run really hot and cold if I let myself be who I am.
I'm going to get out there. Eventually I'll push that balance a bit more and maybe I'll find a better place on the spectrum to feel more like myself. The good part is, I feel very strong and I almost feel normal...relatively often. But some part of it is not me, at least not the whole me. This recent run gave me the push I needed to see I still have that excitement inside me. I don't have to stay in this solemn state, at least not as often. I've pushed through so many other things, I should be able to push through this too.
So, if you meet me somewhere, I hope I act normal. It's possible that I'll be quiet. I probably won't be loud. I hope I won't freak you out if my intensity gets the better of me. I hope you won't hate me when I crash and shut the intensity off. For each step I take closer to being normal, I'm hoping that I move down the rational/emotional spectrum enough to be true to my heart.
Some of these lessons are good to learn - how to be on time, how to pay attention and focus, how to be considerate of others. All wonderful traits to work on. But when they become a life and death, heaven or hell doctrines, you start running into problems.
Take for example, getting married. Being around someone who's not used to that intensity can be peculiar. It's one of those things that's nice for a little while when you're dating but then it starts to wear you out. And here's the thing: when you're taught that all that intensity is supposed to be channeled into making your partner happy, not only can it be overwhelming for them, but eventually it wears on you because your partner has no clue how to match that intensity. But they might be perfectly happy receiving a whole lot of it.
That's how my sexual relationships started. So much intensity from me, but partners who had no clue how to give back. And for a long time I didn't let that problem bother me. It's all good, I thought, I'm supposed to be giving anyway. But years go by and it starts to wear on you.
Then eventually you have kids and you're tired and that intensity has to be spread between more people. There's more of them and still only one of you. You're left on crumbling ground and your partner still hasn't figured it out. They're almost resentful that you're not focused on them, even if they used to dodge the intensity all the time. They liked having the choice of accepting or rejecting whenever they wanted and not having to DO anything. But now you're both faced with a dilemma: you're not willing to go back and they have no idea how to go forward.
You sign up for counseling. You spend a lot of time working on your boundaries and finding autonomy without as much intensity. You work on small talk without having to make a deep connection with everyone you meet. You try not to scare people. But here's the thing: you've always defined love with this big nebulous ball of intensity inside you. And if you're not being all intense, you can't really tell if you feel love. It's so romance novel cliched, but it's true. You can keep going just fine, but your brain is missing out on that feeling: that flying adrenaline from knowing everyone within an inch of their life.
You feel like some part of you is hidden away. You're afraid to even open the box because you're not sure if you can control it. So you don't say much, in case you say the wrong thing. People think you're really quiet and shy. And you are, but not simply for the reasons they assume. You're scared to get rejected and end up without a place again.
I went and did this giant run in May, on a team no less. And I came home feeling like I was flying. I had a taste of that intensity again and my brain turned on. It's not even like I really visited with people much or had some deep connection. I just "fit" for a little while. It was heady. I haven't felt like that in years.
But there's always a crash afterwards, right? And there was. A couple days later, I could barely make small talk with people. It all felt so futile. Like I really didn't fit in at all. Some of these people were the same ones I was in a van with and I realized once again that I don't truly fit in with them. I couldn't make all the pieces fit.
I kept pushing myself and I got through the crash. But that swing made me think, maybe I need to start opening that box again. Maybe I need to try and control it, but let out some part of who I used to be. I've had quite a number of years placing internal timers and reminders around myself: normal people get there 5 minutes late, normal people don't write 5 page emails to others on a daily basis, normal people don't sustain eye contact all the time and don't remember every detail someone told them.
Do you understand? That means I had to learn to tune people out so they didn't think I was too intense. I set my internal clock to force myself to leave 5 minutes later than normal. I pretend I don't remember things. I look at the day I got an email and specifically don't reply right away. I remind myself to pull out my phone when I'm around others so it looks like I'm not as invested.
I feel like I'm doing better. It's getting more natural. But it also feels very dull. There's not much space left for your heart when you're so used to processing everything analytically and deliberately. But it's scary to open up. It's scary to feel like you might get used or rejected. Then again, it's also depressing to stay in this static rational state. And let's be realistic, I can't sustain the same intensity even if I wanted to, with two kids and other responsibilities, so then I worry that people are going to think I run really hot and cold if I let myself be who I am.
I'm going to get out there. Eventually I'll push that balance a bit more and maybe I'll find a better place on the spectrum to feel more like myself. The good part is, I feel very strong and I almost feel normal...relatively often. But some part of it is not me, at least not the whole me. This recent run gave me the push I needed to see I still have that excitement inside me. I don't have to stay in this solemn state, at least not as often. I've pushed through so many other things, I should be able to push through this too.
So, if you meet me somewhere, I hope I act normal. It's possible that I'll be quiet. I probably won't be loud. I hope I won't freak you out if my intensity gets the better of me. I hope you won't hate me when I crash and shut the intensity off. For each step I take closer to being normal, I'm hoping that I move down the rational/emotional spectrum enough to be true to my heart.
Thursday, August 14, 2014
Three Nights With A Rock Star by Amber Lin and Shari Slade
Three Nights with a Rock Starby Amber Lin and Shari Slade
Rating: 4 of 5 stars
My Review:
I was warned that this was a pretty crazy book and boy were they right. Even with the warning, I was a little bit mind boggled. It was a very compelling read and I couldn't stop turning pages, but it wasn't at all what I was expecting.
So here's the deal, Hailey was trying to find her sister's lover who might be a member of this band because she wanted to make him take responsibility for being the father of her sister's baby. Lock was the leader of the band and had a case of insta-lust when he saw Hailey. He agreed to give her access to the band if she gave herself to him for three days – signing a contract and everything.
We never really know what happened that made the contract necessary. Lock was kind of kinky in an exhibitionism, three-way action, not-just-in-the-bedroom sex...a little bit of being tied up or spanking. Nothing at all non-consensual. I was more surprised how it was alluded to that he had these big, dark needs, but by the end we still didn't really know what's SOOO terrible that he'd need a contract, how he thought the contract would protect him, or how he's dealing with a couple other twists in the story.
This was basically two stories in one, both sisters got some air time and the two stories are only marginally connected. In fact, they're two completely different genres of romance. We jumped back and forth between totally dirty decadence to sweet, light perhaps-it-would-be-ok-to-kiss churchy romance. It felt a little jarring to go back and forth and I wasn't sure how the second romance actually dealt with their issues either. The reason they weren't together before was just dropped and everything's ok now.
I felt like I wasn't in right mood for a story where the big star falls for the first person who's innocent and not jaded. It's not that Hailey was against sex – she wanted everything happening – but Lock liked her because she was so inexperienced and open to everything he wanted. I'd go so far as to say Hailey was happy with whatever she got, was so thrilled that someone was paying attention to her; even the crumbs of affection that Lock was able to give were enough for her because she hadn't had anything else. It was like an edgy old-skool romance where the hero provided the adventure and the heroine was there to balance out the emotions and caring.
So as an interesting story with a lot of dirty sex, this one was a winner. I couldn't help myself reading it...like looking at the tabloids in the grocery store checkout aisle. But it left a lot of openings in the romance and I didn't feel like I knew anything about the story arc of any of the characters besides yay-sex and these pairings are together now. I felt it ended with riding off into the sunset, but not actually solving any of the problems that come up throughout the story.
I received a complementary ARC from the author, with no expectations of a review.
**This review is archived on my blog: The Theory of Lieto Fine
Monday, August 11, 2014
Waiting On You by Kristan Higgins
Waiting On Youby Kristan Higgins
Rating: 4 of 5 stars
My Review:
This was pretty much what you can expect from a Kristan Higgins book: good people that aren't all good, bad people that are more complicated than evil, a sweet romance, lots of friends, and some tears from you. Oh and also, staying up late to finish it. This was not one of the gut-heaving sob books like a couple of her others, but there were still tears...mostly happy, sweet tears.
Colleen was loud, brash and exuberant: everyone likes her. She's got a reputation of knowing people, helping them, and just being in-tune with everyone. And for the most part, it's so seamless throughout the story. She's far from perfect, but she's enjoyable. She's in-your-face caring about people but it felt like she didn't put herself out there much.
Lucas was all quiet and broody. He kept to himself, felt like he was always on the outside, even though he's super hot and everyone likes him. Their relationship problems were a lot of miscommunication/avoidance but it never got over-the-top annoying. Every situation was something you'd look at and think it could happen to you too.
But...I was really frustrated with how Colleen's sexuality was portrayed. At first it seemed like shejust flirts with everyone, but then somewhere along the line, the story changed to she's basically the town slut. I felt like it went from she's good at being friendly and everyone knew the score to she'd slept with any man in her age bracket but everyone still liked her. I don't know. I can't totally pin down what made me uncomfortable about it. We give men in romance novels a lot more leeway on how prolific their conquest list can be, but I feel like it wasn't an unfair standard of purity that was bothering me. Or maybe it was. Maybe it was that Colleen kept saying how everyone knew the score, but whenever a little extra tension was needed, one of her old conquests would throw it out there to embarrass her. It seemed like there was no other reason for it and was this half measure of trying to be sex-positive but still missing the point.
So yes, everyone in the story was flawed. Kristan Higgins turned a couple stereotypes on their heads, which was an interesting dynamic. The tears in this one were sweet and only right at the end. Everyone was redeemed and human at the end of the story. The bad guys weren't as bad as you'd expect, the good guys weren't as perfect as they appeared. But happiness still worked out, even if it was a little bit of brush-the-problems-under-the-bed instead of dealing with things head-on.
Although I liked Colleen and Lucas overall, I hated the way her sexuality was portrayed and I don't think I'll read this one again. It touched me and was happy at the end, but the emotions were a little farther away and lighter than some of the other books. But I still stayed up late two nights in a row because I couldn't put the book down.
**This review is archived on my blog: The Theory of Lieto Fine
Friday, August 1, 2014
End of the Month Roundup - July 2014
Would you look at that? I got this post done before the end of the month. Even being gone for two weeks this month, but I'm catching up. The kids go back to school in just a couple more weeks. Summer's almost over. I'm looking forward to the start of a consistent routine, even if waking up 10 minutes earlier is going to be tough.
What I've been reading:
Check out my goodreads account as I start posting more of these quickie reviews. Trying to balance writing a story with writing full-length reviews is hard. I'm at about 7K words on my story and I don't want to lose steam. The two weeks of vacation did not help my productivity yet.
Fighting for Irish by Gina Maxwell
A sweet, sexy story with a lot of trauma and pain. The characters were emotional and vulnerable; not all that honest, but they felt emotionally available to each other; warm and caring and invested in each other from early on. I don't really care for all the MMA books lately; this hero's all beat up constantly. The number of injuries on this guy got out of control for me. Like Mel Gibson in Lethal Weapon - let me just pop my shoulder back in and I'm good - over the top. Maybe MMA fighters really do have this many injuries, but I have trouble thinking fresh bruises, open wounds, cracked ribs, but let's get the sexy on. Aiden and Kat were both integral in helping the other overcome their trauma and I thought the growth process was pretty solid. I liked how caring they were towards each other and even Aiden (alpha guy that he was) was able to express emotion in a tangible way. I found the bum loving a little capricious and whimsical and I couldn't help laughing at the overused cliche - we're as close as we can be, riding bare in your butt. This story was a bit more suspenseful than the other Gina Maxwell books I've read. People threatening violence, stories of rape and threats of sex-trafficking. It might be triggering for some. It was a nice romance, but with all the violence, I don't think I'd read it again. Seducing Cinderella is still my favorite from Gina Maxwell. If you're looking for a good one, I'd recommend that one over this one. 3-1/2 stars
Talk Me Down by Victoria Dahl
So, somehow I missed out on ever reading a Victoria Dahl. I think I picked one up ages ago when I was still stuck in my puritanical phase and just couldn't get into it. Now that I've left most of that behind, I had to check out her books again. I found this one at a used bookstore and it looked good. Somehow I ended up with a bunch of romance novels with romance-writing heroines, so I might be going through a phase. Anyway, this one didn't disappoint. It was amusing and fun and very sexy. A very blatantly sex-positive heroine with an uptight hero. It was fun to see all the teasing. But...at the same time, this one had some creepy stalker stuff going on and for the last half of the book I had to keep reading just to find out what happened next. It's an odd juxtaposition to have such lighthearted teasing and sexy interspersed with so much creepy. But I enjoyed the book and I can't wait to read more. 4 stars
Fiancee For Hire by Tawna Fenske
I didn't really need to buy more books, but what can I say; it was on sale. First off, DO NOT start this book when you're eating. The amount of cat neutering details on the first few pages are on the disgusting side. This book had some tears, some playful happy times, and a bit of silly suspense too. I loved the way it was written. It didn't take itself too seriously most of the time and proved that it's ok for books to be silly. There were so many animal details; it was gross but also intriguing. It's the sort of thing you wonder...why would anyone know this? But you just can't stop reading. It gives me hope that silly and zany is ok. The editing was a little iffy in my opinion. A couple times I'm sure situations were mixed up from one page to the next, commas and words were off on occasion too. For the shorter length, I would have expected a bit better. But the story was so sweet and zany. I got a lot of enjoyment from it. 4 stars
What I've been watching:
I finally let my 8yo watch Sea of Monsters. He got through it with no nightmares. Hooray. Also, he kept the sound off for 3/4 of the movie. The boys would turn to me the whole time to ask what's going on. And what can I say, YOU TURNED THE SOUND OFF! I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S HAPPENING. But I didn't yell. I only felt like it. Now the 8yo is convinced he could watch the Titan's Curse (if they make it) at the theater and I keep having to remind him, there's no mute at the theater. He has not graduated himself up to either of the first two at volume the whole time, so no I'm not taking him to the theater for number three. Also, I veto'd Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles at the theater. See above volume issue.
I took myself to see Lucy this week while the boys were in camp. The beginning part was a little iffy to me. The whole terrified female being tortured and stuff is very disturbing for me. I felt like the movie got a little preachy with the brain capacity/evolution thing; instead of being all action movie, it tried to intersperse the action with textbook-style lecture jargon. But I was invested in the storyline, even with the glaring inconsistencies (yes, she can kill without conscience, bang bang bang, they're all dead...except for that guy who could kill her later, she only tortures him before she walks out again). I had a lot of thinking time afterwards on the nature of humanity and emotion. It's interesting stuff. But when I got to the end and saw Luc Besson's name, it all made sense. Ah yes, the movie is the exact feeling of La Femme Nikita (minus the lecture). The terrified female segueing into emotionless killing machine. Yep, exactly. Even the ending had the same feeling as La Femme Nikita - it made sense, but wasn't an emotionally satisfying conclusion. So, I'd downgrade this one for the preachy feel, plus the inconsistencies; but I enjoyed my time watching it. 3 stars, plus a little bit.
Also, DH and I watched the first episode of Season 2 of The IT Crowd. I haven't seen DH laugh that hard in a while. We were very amused. Five more episode of that season to squeeze in sometime.
What I've been cooking:
We were gone two full weeks of this month, so I haven't made much. I got back into the groove and made a big batch of pancakes. No added sugar products (*whispers* except the chocolate chips) and the kids still love them. I've also got a batch of slow cooker risotto on right now. We'll see how it turns out.
What I'm listening to:
Oh man, this video is so 90's. But every time I listen to this song I get shivers up and down my spine.
Gratuitous Sky Picture:
What I've been reading:
Check out my goodreads account as I start posting more of these quickie reviews. Trying to balance writing a story with writing full-length reviews is hard. I'm at about 7K words on my story and I don't want to lose steam. The two weeks of vacation did not help my productivity yet.
Fighting for Irish by Gina Maxwell
A sweet, sexy story with a lot of trauma and pain. The characters were emotional and vulnerable; not all that honest, but they felt emotionally available to each other; warm and caring and invested in each other from early on. I don't really care for all the MMA books lately; this hero's all beat up constantly. The number of injuries on this guy got out of control for me. Like Mel Gibson in Lethal Weapon - let me just pop my shoulder back in and I'm good - over the top. Maybe MMA fighters really do have this many injuries, but I have trouble thinking fresh bruises, open wounds, cracked ribs, but let's get the sexy on. Aiden and Kat were both integral in helping the other overcome their trauma and I thought the growth process was pretty solid. I liked how caring they were towards each other and even Aiden (alpha guy that he was) was able to express emotion in a tangible way. I found the bum loving a little capricious and whimsical and I couldn't help laughing at the overused cliche - we're as close as we can be, riding bare in your butt. This story was a bit more suspenseful than the other Gina Maxwell books I've read. People threatening violence, stories of rape and threats of sex-trafficking. It might be triggering for some. It was a nice romance, but with all the violence, I don't think I'd read it again. Seducing Cinderella is still my favorite from Gina Maxwell. If you're looking for a good one, I'd recommend that one over this one. 3-1/2 stars
Talk Me Down by Victoria Dahl
So, somehow I missed out on ever reading a Victoria Dahl. I think I picked one up ages ago when I was still stuck in my puritanical phase and just couldn't get into it. Now that I've left most of that behind, I had to check out her books again. I found this one at a used bookstore and it looked good. Somehow I ended up with a bunch of romance novels with romance-writing heroines, so I might be going through a phase. Anyway, this one didn't disappoint. It was amusing and fun and very sexy. A very blatantly sex-positive heroine with an uptight hero. It was fun to see all the teasing. But...at the same time, this one had some creepy stalker stuff going on and for the last half of the book I had to keep reading just to find out what happened next. It's an odd juxtaposition to have such lighthearted teasing and sexy interspersed with so much creepy. But I enjoyed the book and I can't wait to read more. 4 stars
Fiancee For Hire by Tawna Fenske
I didn't really need to buy more books, but what can I say; it was on sale. First off, DO NOT start this book when you're eating. The amount of cat neutering details on the first few pages are on the disgusting side. This book had some tears, some playful happy times, and a bit of silly suspense too. I loved the way it was written. It didn't take itself too seriously most of the time and proved that it's ok for books to be silly. There were so many animal details; it was gross but also intriguing. It's the sort of thing you wonder...why would anyone know this? But you just can't stop reading. It gives me hope that silly and zany is ok. The editing was a little iffy in my opinion. A couple times I'm sure situations were mixed up from one page to the next, commas and words were off on occasion too. For the shorter length, I would have expected a bit better. But the story was so sweet and zany. I got a lot of enjoyment from it. 4 stars
What I've been watching:
I finally let my 8yo watch Sea of Monsters. He got through it with no nightmares. Hooray. Also, he kept the sound off for 3/4 of the movie. The boys would turn to me the whole time to ask what's going on. And what can I say, YOU TURNED THE SOUND OFF! I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S HAPPENING. But I didn't yell. I only felt like it. Now the 8yo is convinced he could watch the Titan's Curse (if they make it) at the theater and I keep having to remind him, there's no mute at the theater. He has not graduated himself up to either of the first two at volume the whole time, so no I'm not taking him to the theater for number three. Also, I veto'd Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles at the theater. See above volume issue.
I took myself to see Lucy this week while the boys were in camp. The beginning part was a little iffy to me. The whole terrified female being tortured and stuff is very disturbing for me. I felt like the movie got a little preachy with the brain capacity/evolution thing; instead of being all action movie, it tried to intersperse the action with textbook-style lecture jargon. But I was invested in the storyline, even with the glaring inconsistencies (yes, she can kill without conscience, bang bang bang, they're all dead...except for that guy who could kill her later, she only tortures him before she walks out again). I had a lot of thinking time afterwards on the nature of humanity and emotion. It's interesting stuff. But when I got to the end and saw Luc Besson's name, it all made sense. Ah yes, the movie is the exact feeling of La Femme Nikita (minus the lecture). The terrified female segueing into emotionless killing machine. Yep, exactly. Even the ending had the same feeling as La Femme Nikita - it made sense, but wasn't an emotionally satisfying conclusion. So, I'd downgrade this one for the preachy feel, plus the inconsistencies; but I enjoyed my time watching it. 3 stars, plus a little bit.
Also, DH and I watched the first episode of Season 2 of The IT Crowd. I haven't seen DH laugh that hard in a while. We were very amused. Five more episode of that season to squeeze in sometime.
What I've been cooking:
We were gone two full weeks of this month, so I haven't made much. I got back into the groove and made a big batch of pancakes. No added sugar products (*whispers* except the chocolate chips) and the kids still love them. I've also got a batch of slow cooker risotto on right now. We'll see how it turns out.
What I'm listening to:
Oh man, this video is so 90's. But every time I listen to this song I get shivers up and down my spine.
Gratuitous Sky Picture:
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